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All is good

18 Jan

It’s been months of struggles, from marriage drama to growing my business. Everyday feels like another problem and obstacle to solve, but I can’t even figure it out. Every day tempted me to give up and to just quit all plans and dreams. I cannot see any way out. Then there is this one song, sang at my pre-marriage course and it made me cried my heart out. How I have been struggling alone, leaving my God out, using my own strength. I feel ashamed of myself. I used to have a strong faith that God will help me through anything. This song reminds me that God is still there, He has planned all the goods I cannot see.

The song is in Bahasa Indonesia

Smua Baik

Dari semula, tlah Kau tetapkan
hidupku dalam tanganMu
dalam rencanaMu, Tuhan
Rencana indah, tlah Kau siapkan
bagi masa depanku yang penuh harapan

Smua baik, smua baik
apa yang tlah Kau perbuat didalam hidupku
Smua baik, sungguh teramat baik
Kau jadikan hidupku berarti

Maybe I cannot see what is standing in front of me. I am afraid to overcome my future. One thing I am sure, God has planned a beautiful future for me.


12 Hal Bodoh yang gw Percaya

12 Jan


One of the inspiring article I’ve ever read.

Originally posted on Tulisan Krisnanda:

a journey a journey

12 hal bodoh yang dulu gw percaya dalam perjalanan kekristenan gw. Beberapa masih susah dihilangkan dari prinsip hidup gw karena sudah tinggal di otak gw selama bertahun-tahun. Beberapa hal bodoh ini mungkin juga nantinya terbukti tidak bodoh since I have high probability to be wrong again. Who knows? But for now, I think they are stupid. Dan maaf kalau banyak kata2 keras (moron contohnya) di tulisan ini. It just tells me how moron I could be. :p

 1. Kalau orang Kristen  pasti harus healthy, wealthy, and happy dan sukses di market place

Ini jualan paling laku di mimbar gereja. Ditambah bumbu-bumbu iman dan menjadi berkat. Kalau emang konsep ini benar, kedua belas muridnya Yesus atau Paulus mungkin tidak qualified untuk jadi orang Kristen. Paulus punya sakit yang ga hilang-hilang dan terdampar di perahu. Healthy mananya? Petrus meninggal dengan disalib terbalik. Happy mananya? Yesus perlu mancing dulu buat dapeting uang…

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Bridezilla – part 1

12 Jan

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015 to you all!

It’s been ages since the last time I posted something to this blog, feeling a bit guilty for abandoning my secret trash bin.

Anyway, I have a very legitimate excuse for my absence here. For the past 4 months (less or more, not so sure anymore), I’ve been planning for my marriage life and took care of my food business. Yes, you heard it right, marriage = wedding. After all the family drama, leave alone my own drama, I agreed to finally settle down. Do not expect a romantic proposal or else. Not that I don’t love the ‘will you marry me’ session and the shiny diamond ring, it’s just the situation is a bit (or more) complicated. But I still want that solitaire Tiffany’s ring *tear*

So, I don’t know if I am actually engaged or what, but the guy is there and the plan is rapidly settled. You must have eager to know who’s the guy, but I’m gonna reveal him to you once I become a MRS *evil grin*

Being engaged to a Chinese descendant is seriously a pain in the ass. From the ‘good date’, the tradition, the ceremony, the fengshui, the color, and every friggin’ detail is seriously excruciating. You know, I’ve always wanted a simple intimate western wedding ON the beach, where you can enjoy chit chat with closed friends accompanied by the breezing wind and the sound of the waves. However, some things are not meant to happen. But hey, at least, I will have a beach cliff wedding.

Year 2015 is a royal wedding year for me. How so? I will at least have 4 different wedding reception/ceremony/party on my own :

So, here is the list :

  • May 2015
    Since the groom’s family side is Catholic, they insist to have a blessing by the Catholic Church. Lucky me, I was born from a Catholic Father and a Protestant Mother, so I have all the church certificate required. Heck, I don’t even care if a Buddhist blessed my marriage. I don’t freakin’ care with religious institution. BUT, they insist, so I follow.

    Oh and Oh, the process and requirements for a blessing ceremony in Catholic church is soooooooooo damn annoying. I’ll explain the steps in my next post for those who need guidance (i will be using Bahasa Indonesia).

  • Early June 2015
    We are having a wedding dinner reception for Groom’s colleagues, Groom’s Parents’ business partners and my colleagues
  • Mid June 2015
    Groom’s parents are planning to have a little celebration with their 100+ factory workers for the wedding of their son and announce me to them.
  • August 2015
    After a long debate (always drama) for deciding the good date, groom’s family asked their fortune-teller to choose a date according to the Chinese astrological book when it would be proper and propitious to hold the wedding ceremony. This took almost 3 months process and 3-4 changes of date. Oh, they also consult my birth date to a fortune teller to predict whether that could match their son’s and whether there would be a happy marriage. The Chinese zodiac would be surely taken into consideration. Both of us are dragons, so there must be another ‘terms and conditions’ to avoid a bad luck. Same Chinese zodiac is considered a bad combination for a wedding according to Chinese people, but can be avoided if certain rules are implemented. (Usually the rules are ridiculous :P)

    Actually, this is what I considered my real wedding. There will be a blessing from a Priest and private intimate dinner reception in Bali. Yes, IT’S BALI! :D I will explain the long preparation and the details about Wedding in Bali in my next post. :)

  • After August 2015
    This schedule is still tentative but my future mother-in-law also insists to have another party just for her friends!

Thank God, there has been only 4 plans up until now, I do not wish for another reception.

As I told you, I’m getting married to a Chinese descendants, means there are requirements and traditions to follow. Below is the guidelines for Chinese wedding traditions (Taken from wiki and customize with the family tradition):

1. Selection of Date (done already)

The first step is the selection of auspicious dates (看日子) for the Chinese wedding, the betrothal and the installation of the bridal bed. A Chinese monk or a temple fortune teller selects a suitable date based on the couple’s birth dates and times. Some may also refer to the Chinese calendar or almanac for good days. Even numbered months and dates are preferred, and the lunar seventh month is avoided as it is the month of the Hungry Ghost Festival.

After the selection of the auspicious dates, wedding details such as types and quantities of betrothal gifts, reciprocal gifts, bride price (娉金), and number of tables at the wedding banquet provided by the groom’s parents for the bride’s parents’ guests are settled.

2. Betrothal

Up to three months or earlier before the wedding day, the groom will deliver the betrothal gifts to the bride’s family on an auspicious date.送

The betrothal (Chinese: 過大禮; pinyin: guo dàlǐ, also known as 納彩 or nàcǎi) is an important part of the Chinese wedding tradition. During this exchange, the groom’s family presents the bride’s family with betrothal gifts (called 聘礼 or pìnlǐ) to symbolize prosperity and good luck.Moreover, the bride’s family receives the bride’s price (Chinese: 娉金; pinyin: pīng jīn; literally: “abundant gold”) in red envelopes. The bride’s family also returns (回禮, huílǐ) a set of gifts to the groom’s side. Additionally, the bride’s parents bestow a dowry (嫁妝, jiàzhuāng, kè-chng) to the bride.

My future mother-in-law is Hokkien Chinese. In the Hokkien race, the betrothal rite is known as sang jit-thau (送日頭, sàng-ji̍t-thâu) or its abbreviated form sang jit.

Betrothal gifts unique to the Hokkien include pig trotters, rice candies, fruits, red wine. Household items are also given to the bride, symbolic of the duties she will assume as wife.  

3. Presenting Wedding Gift

This was the grandest etiquette of the whole process of engagement. Prolific gifts were presented again to the girl’s family, symbolizing respect and kindness towards the girl’s family as well as the capability of providing a good life for the girl.

In the tradition applied here, Groom’s family will also bring set of jewelries, clothes, dresses, purses, shoes, sandals, cosmetics, bath amenities. Bride’s family will return the favor by giving the groom a set of clothes, trousers, wallets, wristwatch, socks, shoes. 

4. Delivery of the Bride’s dowry

The bride’s parents may include the bride’s dowry (嫁妆, jiàzhuāng) with the return gifts on the day of betrothal or deliver the dowry a few days before the wedding.Chinese dowry typically includes:

  • beddings (e.g. pillows, bolsters, comforter set, blankets, bed sheets)
  • new clothes for the bride in a suitcase (in the past, wardrobes or wooden wedding chests were used)
  • tea set for the wedding’s tea ceremony (will explain later)
  • a spittoon of baby items (子孙桶, including baby bathtub, potty, face washbasin, tumblers, toothpaste and toothbrushes, mirror, comb)
  • two pairs of red wooden clogs, wedding slippers or bedroom slippers
  • a sewing basket (with even numbered rolls of colourful thread, needles, pincushion, scissors, and sewing wax with auspicious words on it)
  • gold jewelry given by bride’s parents

Well now, would you agree with me that these complete non-sense stuff is a pain in the ass? ROFL. Please bear my mood swing the upcoming days since I am dealing with all the traditions and long non-sense procedure.

I think that’s all for now. I guess, I’ll update you with my ‘royal wedding’ in the next post and I won’t forget to explain about the church procedure, the Bali wedding prep, and the civil registration procedure.

Cheers from the Bridezilla,


It’s all worthwhile

29 May


Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know it’s all worthwhile.

Until then…


The clock

20 Apr

Do you see its eye?
It is staring at me!

Do you hear its voice?
It is yelling at me!

No, I’m not hallucinating

It’s running after me!
It’s coming to me!

No, I’m not imagining

I lost my breath
I lost my track

It could hear you
It could see you

What? You don’t know it?

It’s the clock!

It doesn’t want me to rest
It doesn’t want me to stop

I can’t
Any more
Any longer

Stop thinking
Stop pacing
Stop rushing

Oh no!

Tick tock
It’s the clock!

I reached the point where I feel so tired. Physically and mentally. I want to quit my job, stop socializing, stop going out, stop going further to reach my goals, and just lay down and drift of into a cave and hide there. Suddenly, I feel so sick with trying and surviving. Actually No, it’s not a sudden. Maybe I’ve been holding it inside all this time. Pretending to be brave. I feel so exhausted til I cant feel anymore. I become so numb. I just want to quit… everything. The clock keeps ticking. I can hear it out loud. Even in my sleep. It won’t stop. It doesn’t want me to rest. Or perhaps, I’m being delusional. Yes, I might be crazy.



27 Mar

It’s been 6 months I’ve been thinking to quit.

Not that I am not good enough for them, but I feel like they don’t deserve me.

I have been gone too far, sunk too deep, lost.

This place was my perfect battlefield, the place where all the greatest ones were born, raised and thrive.

They said,”Only the best ones survived”

I was proud. Too proud.

And drowned in my arrogance, ambition, triumph.

Until once in a gloomy day, I realized my evil side has taken over myself.

I was becoming the person I’ve always scared to be.


Again, I am reluctant to let my throne go. My pride. My ego.

Little did I know, I was messed up, brutally injured, yet still forcing myself to fight.

I used to think “this is the place where I belong, my second home, where I thrive with my fellow survivor”

I used to say “these people are my family, they raised me to be strong and indestructible”

Until my closed ones said “you are changed. you are scaring me.”

That was the point when I feel that this isn’t right


So, I come to a decision.

I am done with hurting myself.

I need my life back.

I got to fly again.

i quit.


Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but gotta keep moving on, moving on

Mi casa, mi querido

24 Feb

Dear you,

It’s been years
Thousand of hours, I suppose

They said,
“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” 

You are more than just a ‘something’ to me

Million times I tried to banish this illogical damned feeling
Zillion times I yelled to myself to be real
God knows, I have tried

It should be easy
Easy to let go and move on
Move on to kill any hope for us

I can’t.

I don’t know what love is.


You feel like home to me

We breathe under the same sky
Yet the sun and the moon haven’t been together
Miles and miles away from home

Time is ticking.
Fate is judging.

My heart is yearning to be at home

Should I let you fly away?
Should I give us up?

Will you fight for us?


Et si tu savais, ce que ce moment signifie pour moi
Et combien de temps j’ai attendu pour te toucher
Et si tu savais à quel point tu me rends heureuse
Je n’ai jamais pensé que j’aimerais quelqu’un si fort

What else matters?

28 Nov

Earlier today, I received an email from a penpal, telling me a story about his epic love stories that unfortunately didn’t turn out to be a happy-ever-after love story. Having read his story, if I were him, I’d be traumatized dealing with love. However, every fairy tale has its ending, but we get to feel and embrace the pain and love in it. Every story has to come to an end, but if there’s no story, what else is to write in your book of life? Think about it.

I stumbled upon Bob Marley’s saying, spend some time to read this :

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

“You may not be her/his first, her/his last, or her/his only. She/he loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?” – Bob Marley





Being Human

2 Nov

“I’m not in search of sanctity, sacredness, purity; these things are found after this life, not in this life; but in this life I search to be completely human: to feel, to give, to take, to laugh, to get lost, to be found, to dance, to love and to lust, to be so human.”  – C. Joybell. C

A friend asked me to ‘translate’ a gesture of her guy friend who’s been making a move on her recently. She told me this and that, how she’s been friends for a loooong time with this guy and afraid if she mislead the signal and/or the friendship itself will come to and end if it doesn’t work between them. I said : the heck with what-if, reading a guy’s signal, etc. Just go with it.

Most of the times, we create our own problem and complicate things by over-think a simple stuff. Not that I said love is a simple stuff, but hey, you’ll go crazy trying to be a fortune-teller of what might come next.

I believe most of us yearn for love, to be loved by the person you love in a relationship. In order to experience that you can’t just sit around and wait for prince charming to knock on your door to bring you a glass shoe. Your dream guy may be that muscular italiano signor figure with Jason Statham’s killer jawbone, dimples and sexy eyes, yes yes I hear you. But stop it, that shy geeky guy that you always put in your friend-zone, always cheer you up when you’re down, he accompanies you to your favorite art exhibition. He might not be Jason Statham, but he adores you and love to make you the happiest girl on earth. Isn’t that what we are looking for? Someone who will be there for us through ups and downs, someone to laugh with, someone who cares for you when no one does, a best friend, a lover, a protector. Soon you will come to your sense that there is no picture perfect. No one does and neither you.

So, first thing first, stop being an idealist and start being realistic instead. Keep your feet on earth.  You can’t live in a criteria, you have to live your life. You can’t wait for your plans to materialize, because they may never materialize the way you think they will. You can’t wait to watch your ideals and standards walk up to you, because you can’t know what’s yours until you have it. Growing up means learning what life is. growing up takes that even one step further, growing up means that you have to hold on to what you have, when you have it, because what you have- that’s yours- and all the ideals and criteria you have set in your head, those aren’t yours, because those haven’t happened to you. Growing up means learning what life is, and that is including love.

You can’t fall in love with a standard, you have to fall in love with a person. 

Waiting for perfection is not an answer, one cannot say “I will be ready when I am perfect” because then you will never be ready

I believe in going with the flow. I don’t believe in fighting against the flow. You ride on your river and you go with the tides and the flow. But it has to be your river, not someone else’s.

When I get into my river, I get  all the bruises, all the wounds, all the scars, while it goes up and down and upside down, sometimes I get thrown out and I hit my head, but I crawl back in again and the moment I’m back in, it just keeps on going and going again. Guess what, I’m not addicted with pain but I know I wasn’t born to stand on the sidewalk and watch all the fun up there. Butterflies don’t care if the whole world saw their colors or not! But what matters is that they flew, they glided, they hovered, they saw, they felt, and they loved the ones whom they flew with. That is an existence of living.

I can’t decide if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl or the other way around. I’m a flawed person. I’m random and I’m always growing, learning, changing. And in this lifetime, I chose to be completely human and I don’t wanna throw even one of my moments away.

There is no comfort and assurance. You stand and you deal. You face the world with a head held high and you carry the universe in your heart.




“It is very shiny”

13 Oct

“I have a dream.”

“is your dream very big?”

“well is it very grand?”
“Not either.”


“What is it then?”
“It is very shiny.”

― C. JoyBell C.


Nobody said it would be easy. They promised it would be worth it. It takes consistency and persistence. Do not just survive…THRIVE and make it real.



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