NUMB

21 Apr

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Honestly, I don’t know what depression feels like. I have never related the dark hole I am in to any symptom of depression, but what I feel is eating me inside. For me, it feels like I am nothing, I feel nothing and I am going nowhere. Nothing has significant meaning for me. What I know is getting through it all, every day. Each day passes by, I tried to focus to my goals, to be brave. Fortunately, every time someone asked if I’m Okay, the answer is always the same “I am great”. 

There was one point when I thought I tried to hard to be tough facing every rocks thrown at me, until I become totally numb towards everything. And now, I can’t even define what I feel. Except feeling a huge hole and something feels ‘off’ inside of me.

If any of you feel like some of the points written below are true, I guess we are on the same page :

  • You feel like in a fog
  • You are easily get irritated by your closed ones
  • You feel like your life has no direction
  • You feel there’s something ‘wrong’
  • You feel exhausted, no matter how much rest you take
  • You often cry for no apparent reason
  • You have difficulty falling asleep or awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then you can’t get back to sleep
  • You can’t think straight. Your brain doesn’t seem to work
  • You don’t want to make decisions – it’s too much work
  • You have a hard time remembering things.
  • You feel like everything seems hopeless
  • You don’t get excited over new things anymore
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot
  • Your neck hurts and feel like your body stiffened every day
  • You’re frustrated with everything and everybody
  • You easily feel mad, like you could just explode!
  • You feel like you’re “different” from everyone else
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right
  • Everything you see seems to be black and white movie

Well, I don’t know what is going on with me. I don’t know if I need to go to a shrink. I’m still trying to convince myself that I am not insane.

This feels like living in a dream, but I can’t judge if this is a nightmare or a real one.

– Ness –

 

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