How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this situation isn’t healthy?
Everyday, I hold onto one day at a time, hope that slowly the despair I feel will pass away. It’s been a cloudy grey sky for years, until recently I was given two options that might change my life forever. One that requires me to endure and survive with the same old shits, and the other one that has been my dream since I was a kid that offers me a fresh start but requires me to let go EVERYTHING I have now. I’ve been given this one opportunity, this one chance, to make my dream comes true, I don’t wanna missed it. On the other hand, I’m not sure if I could handle the emptiness of letting go. I don’t want to choose. I’ve been trying to manage so somehow I could work both options out together. But it can’t. It just doesn’t go as I wanted it to be.
A couple of weeks ago, I asked God to show me the signs of which path should I take. Apparently, the signs shown to me were pretty obvious to let go the ‘endure and survive’ plan. It’s as if He tells me that it’s time for me to close the book and write a new story in a brand new blank page. I hate this heavy feeling in my chest when I don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep and forget everything. And no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything.
Maybe deep down I know the answer to my confusion. It’s just a matter of time, to finally admit it. I know that I’m just too scared to spill it out too myself. I know that I don’t wanna go that road again, that nearly killed me. I also know that I will be able to manage the pain, but I hate to get into the rough path again.
I’m not okay today and I might not be tomorrow, but I have to take a risk and burn the bridge. It’s the only way I won’t come back and see what I leave behind, then trying to move forward. I don’t want nothingness and obscurity tangled in my heart.
When you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free. You cannot move forward if you still continue to hold on what’s behind you.
Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t.
If you’re not brave enough to take the first step, then you’ll never know how far you can go.
You’re not given a wish without also being given an ability to make it come true. So that’s the little faith you need to remind yourself everyday.
Take a breath, shake it off and believe that life is gonna get better.
Hopefully soon enough.