Butterab, fly!

31 Dec

Dear readers,

There is a saying said ,“the person who can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry”
Have you ever heard it? Have you ever been in one?
It’s funny and silly, yet it’s exactly true, isn’t it?

Last week, I asked a friend of mine, if it is okay if I turn to be a heartless person. She was really surprised with my weird question and she asked ‘why so’. The only answer I could gave to her was,”because life becomes easier and happier when heart doesn’t come along with it.”
Anyhow, she kind of agreed with me – “feelings made me vulnerable, and it fooled me once, so yeah, I guess it is okay to be a heartless until we are smart enough to let our brain and heart work together,” she answered.

Earlier in one of my posts, I stated that I am a 80% thinking-20% feeling person. There were several things that made me questioning my own statement. This year, I have been trying to spare my heart a part in my decision-taking, but unfortunately, everything always went wrong whenever the heart was in it. Things were better whenever I chose to follow my logic and ignored my heart.

This year, I have learned to let some people earned my trust, let them in to my circle, cared for them sincerely- however, it ended with they misused everything I gave. Yet my heart told me to give it another chance – a second chance, third, fourth, it didn’t get any better, and last night was the last chance I gave to my heart.

I tried my best to balance my heart and mind, but it’s failed anyway. Either I become vulnerable or mean. Perhaps some of you will say that it shouldn’t go this way, but I just can’t. It’s about a self-defense. I hate to feel miserable when people I trusted did me wrong, when I felt betrayed. I’m having that feeling enough and I have to quickly come to my sense that I have all the authority to change my situation.

A person reminds me about me as a butterfly and a crab (I’m a Cancerian), a butterab. A butterab is strong enough and well-protected with the hard shell and sharp clams – she jumps and flies from one flower to another flower, make those flowers look more attractive and help them to reproduce, but never stay longer in one.

Perhaps that is the purpose why my parents named me with ‘Vanessa’, which means Butterfly.
Perhaps that is the reason why I was born as a Cancerian, protect myself with hard shell and sharp clams.
Perhaps that is the lesson that I got to learn to be more gracious, as my last name implied, ‘Gracia’.
Perhaps that is the life that ‘Vanessa Gracia’ has to live as a Butterab.

Thanks to you who touched me deeply with such a short bittersweet period.
Thanks to you for stop me from crying but also for making me cry.
Thanks to you for making me a heartless person in the future, again

Regret? No, no regrets.
It’s 16 hours to 2011.
For everything that has happened in 2010, this is one of my resolutions in 2011.


“Butterab, fly!”



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