Life is … insanity

24 Jul

re·gret (r-grt)
v.tr.
1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.
v.intr.
To feel regret.
n.
1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.
3. regrets A courteous expression of regret, especially at having to decline an invitation.

Inspired by some people success vs my past failure, I am now declaring a feeling called “regret”.

“It doesn’t matter who goes first or last, you will eventually have your moment”.
I wish I could say that sentence sincerely to arrogance.

Time
“How you spend your time is more important than how you spend your money. Money mistakes can be corrected, but time is gone forever.” (David Norris).

The truth is, time move forward not backward. As much as I want to be realistic as usual, I wish I could go back and fix everything. My previous failure in the past to use the time wisely, had brought me to a permanent regret.

Today
I feel so miserable.
I feel such a failure.

I went out to see a friend. I thought I need to get out from this emotional dysfunctional for a while. I need a person to wake me up from this nightmare and drag me back to reality.

Honestly, I didn’t know what I felt at the moment. I blabbered for hours. I guess I just want to pour out my fear, jealousy, anger, disappointment.

Me: “all my life, I always push myself to be a number one. there, I spill out one of my flaws. In fact that I’m now not, it irritates me”
>Her : “Ness, there is no number one or two in this world. We are designed with different specs, and a competition is legal if the rules and specs are same.”

Me:”I feel like I never satisfied with everything I have done.”
Her:”I also see you don’t enjoy your life. It’s because you never see what and who you really are. You push yourself over your limit”

Me: idle.
Her:” In your age, you’re mature enough to see life and its direction. There’s nothing wrong with you. You know what you want in life and what you gotta do. The problem is, you don’t realize how much you are worth. And the last thing, open your heart. Use your heart.”

Me:”I promised myself to use my head rather than my heart. I once destroyed because of my heart-thinking, so I won’t step on the same mistake. And you know, it’s so hard to open a heart and don’t know how to”
Her:”because you’re afraid. The truth is, there is no guarantee that pain won’t ever come. Nothing to lose. You gotta learn how to lose. You gotta learn how to cry. You gotta know yourself and that you are awesome from everything you had been through.”

I actually talked a lot with her. About self-perseverance, self-value, mind, dogs, relationships, commitment, family, etc. I didn’t really find the answer of my so-called regret.

I admit that I don’t understand what I had been through these few days. And yes, (you’re right) I don’t know what I’m talking about. I just feel : miserable and fragile.

Sometimes, life is too complicated to be understood. Too complex to be analyze.
Sometimes, all you have to do is just follow your heart (I will try this one).
Sometimes, you are allowed to regret your past mistake.
Sometimes, present is crueler than history.
Sometimes, go nuts and breathe every pain is the key to survive in this world insanity

As the first law of Buddhism states:
Life is difficult. The fallacious thought is that we can change that. In accepting that life indeed is difficult, we begin to make it less painful…not less difficult. Life DOES suck, we just need to find ways to deal with it.


Vness


p.s: another brain.jammed.session.do.not.complain.if.it's.irrelevant.

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