I never thought about forgiving all this time. “Forgiveness” for him never written in my agenda .
I remembered exactly the day my friend asked me,
“Ness, what if you heard that he has an accident and dying in the hospital?”
Constantly, I laughed and answered,
“I’ll come to see him since there’s something I would like to say like,’why aren’t you dead? but oh, you’re going to have fun in hell soon.’ then I laughed him off and leave him dying”
My friend stared at me and I gave her a did-I-say-something-wrong look.
Yeah, that’s quite showed how much I hate him, and I want him vanished from this planet.
It’s not that I can’t forgive him, but the problem is : I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO.
Lots of people remind me that forgive him is for my own sake, yet I’m still as stubborn as I always be.
They said that I’m going end up exhausted thinking bout that jerk.
They said that I won’t be able to move on (instead I AM moving on)
They said all things to stop me from hating him.
You might have apologized, but you also have to understand the pain you gave still lingering on and scattering.
You might think that you’re suffering every night thinking how guilty you are, but you also have to understand that the words you said or action you did, still haunting every second.
You might wish that you’ll get back the trust because you changed, but you also have to realized that trust is EARNED. Once you ruined it, you also ruined that person
Although Elton John said that Sorry seems to be the hardest word, saying you are sorry doesn’t mean that everything is going to be like before and shattered heart easily healed.
It’s not as easy as you forgive a stranger who step into you in a bus. It’s not that simple.
I’m listening to India Arie’s song- The Heart of the Matter over and over again. I’m thinking (I guess I’m having myself too much thinking). I’ve been holding my pride. Forgive him or not, is not really important (to me, he’s dead already). I thought I knew about “forgiveness”. Nevertheless, the more I know, the less I understand. And I’m getting to a decision that I want to understand about forgiveness.
I admit that I still hold that anger and grudge. It’s not for him that I want to do this forgiving things. I want to learn to be mature and learn about life lesson. It’s abso-damn-lutely hurtful and hard, I know (I still feel like want to torture and burn him alive sometimes). When it comes to a lesson, there are failure and success, so how ’bout we start learning together? 😉
So, what we have to do to start forgiving? These are some things that I’m doing :
1. First, understand that holding grudge means you still spare part of your time/heart/mind for that person. I’m sure you don’t want ANY of that person still ‘infecting’ your precious life 🙂
2. Look at yourself right now (without that person), you’re more gorgeous and awesome! Thinking of a way that you might have shocked him/her with your greater wonderful life (without his/her presence).
3. Seize every moment and be thankful. Take a look at your environment, realize that there are so many beautiful things to see and pay attention for.
4. All those bad times were vanished by the time that person ‘killed’ you. Means, you are NOT your old you anymore. I believe that if we’re willing to learn, we’re growing into a better new person. So, learn and look for a new thing/inspiration! (like writing perhaps :P)
5. Surround yourself with positive things and people. It helps you to think positively and able to see things from different angle.
It’s easy to say, but hard to do. Personally, I feel like I had a permanent scar from an accident. I am recovered. But every time I see that scar, I will always remember that accident and the pain.
Forgiving doesn’t mean that all is acceptable. Forgiveness is about self preservation. We don’t do it for them, we do it for US. To live is to learn. There will always be a new thing to learn each passing day. Growing up is hurtful. So, if you feel hurt, it means you’re growing up. Cherish that!
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mohandas Gandhi
Did he ask for a forgiveness?
A total coward never apologized.
Do you think you’d be able to forgive?
I’m working on it 🙂