36 hours self-reflection

26 Jun

My previous post contained of anger, disappointment, and a lot of negative energy. That’s one of my lowest points of life. I decided to have myself isolated for a while.

Thinking. Questioning. Blaming. Reflecting. Introspect. Wondering.

After taking 36 hours away from human contact ( I turned off my mobile phones, signed off my msn-skype-gtalk-fb), now I am back to my normal me, again.

My biggest question few days ago was :
“Dear God, are You there?? Why are You doing this to me? Are You happy to see me like this? Do You even care of what’s going on with me?? Frankly, I can’t take it anymore!!”

I felt God left me all alone. I felt He doesn’t even care anymore. I became a grumpy little girl who was ignored by her Daddy. I wanted Him to answer me.

At the moment when I was thinking of put my faith away somewhere, He did answer me with 2 actions that I barely understand until now. Most of you will see this was just a coincidence, but for me, who has been experiencing these for all my life (yet I am still being a stubborn child who needs lots of proof), it was true.

He sent me a stranger to strengthen me.

I had a comment received from someone in Norwegia from my prev blog. I was thinking,”How the hell on earth she found my blog? How could someone who lives half world away, left verses in this unknown blog?”

There are million blogs, and she accidentally found my blog by ‘tag surfer’ (the tag are ‘life’ and ‘faith’). I guess there are gazillions ‘life’ and ‘faith’ tags in wordpress, in fact, she bumped into mine.

I’ve never shared any of my feelings with stranger (plus, I was being a hermit for 36 hours). But this time, I felt like I can trust this person, then I sent her a message. Through email, I told her what’s going on with me.

I found it weird. I didn’t talk this agony to my best friends, my sisters, or my parents, but I talked to a Norwegian girl! She also felt that somehow God wanted her to tell me some verses. She didn’t give me any wise advices, only verses.

My dad phoned me.
I was never be a daddy’s girl. It’s not we’re not in a good relationship, it’s just we are both ESTJ person. We are both stubborn and we fought a lot. My mom is usually the one who talk things out with me without feel offended by me.

I was surprised that this evening, my dad texted me and he said he wanted to talk to me. In that almost-1 hour phone call, he explained how he’s surprised by my text message. He explained that he never meant to have me reach something that off my limit. He just wants the best of me. He told me that academic result isn’t the only important thing due to someone’s success. It’s strange because all this time he’s the one who keep forcing me about my academic results.

He encouraged me, He assured me that I’m worth more than just a visible thing. He’s not a religious person, but this time he said to me,”God wants you to be weak, so He can show you that He’s the strength, and without Him, you are nothing.”

And at the end, he said a thing that almost made me cried,”always remember, your parents are your true friends (aside form God) from the day you were born until forever. There is a word for ex-wife, ex-friend, but there will never be a word for ex-daughter and ex-daddy
I am not the type of person who take things emotionally.
I am not a drama queen.
I usually use my logic and common sense more than my emotion and heart.

But there are things in this world, that can’t be explained with our limited brain and knowledge.

Somehow I know, that God works in mysterious ways.
Somehow I realized, that God would use random people to talk to us.
Somehow I understand, that God allow several incidents to let us know that He’s still by our side.

If God wants me to be this way, let His will be done. I’ll always do my very best with super extra efforts, I’ll leave the rest with Him.

I’m not a protestant, not a catholic, not a buddhist, not a moslem, not an atheist, not a religious person, one thing for sure, my faith stands for Jesus Christ.

These are some verses from my Norwegian friend, Mathilde :
Isaiah 43:1
psalms 46:1-11
psalms 91:1-16

I quote her in her last email :
And even though maybe it doesn’t feel like it right now, he will never allow more tough things to happen to you than you can handle with his help. He promise this :
1. Cor. 10,13: “God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it.”

Little note to Mathilde :
I don’t know how things happened, and I don’t need to understand all things. One thing I know, God talked to me through you. I can’t say more, just Thank you. My prayer goes with you and be blessedđŸ™‚

Vness

One Response to “36 hours self-reflection”

  1. Indra June 26, 2010 at 10:17 pm #

    wow, another miracle has happened. you see, mum, God still loves you.đŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: