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16 hours and counting

30 May

Dear you,

It’s already been 16 hours, sun changes into moon, night changes into day…

But why I haven’t changed at all?

It’s been 16 hours.

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-Ness-

It’s all worthwhile

29 May

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Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know it’s all worthwhile.

Until then…

-Ness-

The clock

20 Apr

Do you see its eye?
It is staring at me!

Do you hear its voice?
It is yelling at me!

No, I’m not hallucinating

Please!
It’s running after me!
It’s coming to me!

No, I’m not imagining

Please!
I lost my breath
I lost my track
Please!

Sshhh…
It could hear you
It could see you

What? You don’t know it?

It’s the clock!

It doesn’t want me to rest
It doesn’t want me to stop

I can’t
Any more
Any longer

Stop thinking
Stop pacing
Stop rushing

Oh no!

Tick tock
It’s the clock!

I reached the point where I feel so tired. Physically and mentally. I want to quit my job, stop socializing, stop going out, stop going further to reach my goals, and just lay down and drift of into a cave and hide there. Suddenly, I feel so sick with trying and surviving. Actually No, it’s not a sudden. Maybe I’ve been holding it inside all this time. Pretending to be brave. I feel so exhausted til I cant feel anymore. I become so numb. I just want to quit… everything. The clock keeps ticking. I can hear it out loud. Even in my sleep. It won’t stop. It doesn’t want me to rest. Or perhaps, I’m being delusional. Yes, I might be crazy.

-Ness-

I QUIT!!!

27 Mar

It’s been 6 months I’ve been thinking to quit.

Not that I am not good enough for them, but I feel like they don’t deserve me.

I have been gone too far, sunk too deep, lost.

This place was my perfect battlefield, the place where all the greatest ones were born, raised and thrive.

They said,”Only the best ones survived”

I was proud. Too proud.

And drowned in my arrogance, ambition, triumph.

Until once in a gloomy day, I realized my evil side has taken over myself.

I was becoming the person I’ve always scared to be.

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Again, I am reluctant to let my throne go. My pride. My ego.

Little did I know, I was messed up, brutally injured, yet still forcing myself to fight.

I used to think “this is the place where I belong, my second home, where I thrive with my fellow survivor”

I used to say “these people are my family, they raised me to be strong and indestructible”

Until my closed ones said “you are changed. you are scaring me.”

That was the point when I feel that this isn’t right

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So, I come to a decision.

I am done with hurting myself.

I need my life back.

I got to fly again.

i quit.

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Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but gotta keep moving on, moving on

Mi casa, mi querido

24 Feb

Dear you,

It’s been years
Hours
Thousand of hours, I suppose

They said,
“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” 

You are more than just a ‘something’ to me

Million times I tried to banish this illogical damned feeling
Zillion times I yelled to myself to be real
God knows, I have tried

It should be easy
Easy to let go and move on
Move on to kill any hope for us

I can’t.

I don’t know what love is.

BUT

You feel like home to me
Warm
Safe
Comforting

We breathe under the same sky
Yet the sun and the moon haven’t been together
Miles and miles away from home

Time is ticking.
Fate is judging.

My heart is yearning to be at home

Should I let you fly away?
Should I give us up?

Will you fight for us?

-Ness-

Et si tu savais, ce que ce moment signifie pour moi
Et combien de temps j’ai attendu pour te toucher
Et si tu savais à quel point tu me rends heureuse
Je n’ai jamais pensé que j’aimerais quelqu’un si fort

What else matters?

28 Nov

Earlier today, I received an email from a penpal, telling me a story about his epic love stories that unfortunately didn’t turn out to be a happy-ever-after love story. Having read his story, if I were him, I’d be traumatized dealing with love. However, every fairy tale has its ending, but we get to feel and embrace the pain and love in it. Every story has to come to an end, but if there’s no story, what else is to write in your book of life? Think about it.

I stumbled upon Bob Marley’s saying, spend some time to read this :

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

“You may not be her/his first, her/his last, or her/his only. She/he loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?” – Bob Marley

 

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Cheers,Ness

Being Human

2 Nov

“I’m not in search of sanctity, sacredness, purity; these things are found after this life, not in this life; but in this life I search to be completely human: to feel, to give, to take, to laugh, to get lost, to be found, to dance, to love and to lust, to be so human.”  – C. Joybell. C

A friend asked me to ‘translate’ a gesture of her guy friend who’s been making a move on her recently. She told me this and that, how she’s been friends for a loooong time with this guy and afraid if she mislead the signal and/or the friendship itself will come to and end if it doesn’t work between them. I said : the heck with what-if, reading a guy’s signal, etc. Just go with it.

Most of the times, we create our own problem and complicate things by over-think a simple stuff. Not that I said love is a simple stuff, but hey, you’ll go crazy trying to be a fortune-teller of what might come next.

I believe most of us yearn for love, to be loved by the person you love in a relationship. In order to experience that you can’t just sit around and wait for prince charming to knock on your door to bring you a glass shoe. Your dream guy may be that muscular italiano signor figure with Jason Statham’s killer jawbone, dimples and sexy eyes, yes yes I hear you. But stop it, that shy geeky guy that you always put in your friend-zone, always cheer you up when you’re down, he accompanies you to your favorite art exhibition. He might not be Jason Statham, but he adores you and love to make you the happiest girl on earth. Isn’t that what we are looking for? Someone who will be there for us through ups and downs, someone to laugh with, someone who cares for you when no one does, a best friend, a lover, a protector. Soon you will come to your sense that there is no picture perfect. No one does and neither you.

So, first thing first, stop being an idealist and start being realistic instead. Keep your feet on earth.  You can’t live in a criteria, you have to live your life. You can’t wait for your plans to materialize, because they may never materialize the way you think they will. You can’t wait to watch your ideals and standards walk up to you, because you can’t know what’s yours until you have it. Growing up means learning what life is. growing up takes that even one step further, growing up means that you have to hold on to what you have, when you have it, because what you have- that’s yours- and all the ideals and criteria you have set in your head, those aren’t yours, because those haven’t happened to you. Growing up means learning what life is, and that is including love.

You can’t fall in love with a standard, you have to fall in love with a person. 

Waiting for perfection is not an answer, one cannot say “I will be ready when I am perfect” because then you will never be ready

I believe in going with the flow. I don’t believe in fighting against the flow. You ride on your river and you go with the tides and the flow. But it has to be your river, not someone else’s.

When I get into my river, I get  all the bruises, all the wounds, all the scars, while it goes up and down and upside down, sometimes I get thrown out and I hit my head, but I crawl back in again and the moment I’m back in, it just keeps on going and going again. Guess what, I’m not addicted with pain but I know I wasn’t born to stand on the sidewalk and watch all the fun up there. Butterflies don’t care if the whole world saw their colors or not! But what matters is that they flew, they glided, they hovered, they saw, they felt, and they loved the ones whom they flew with. That is an existence of living.

I can’t decide if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl or the other way around. I’m a flawed person. I’m random and I’m always growing, learning, changing. And in this lifetime, I chose to be completely human and I don’t wanna throw even one of my moments away.

There is no comfort and assurance. You stand and you deal. You face the world with a head held high and you carry the universe in your heart.

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Cheers,

Ness

“It is very shiny”

13 Oct

“I have a dream.”

“is your dream very big?”
“No.”

“well is it very grand?”
“Not either.”

“Neither?”
“Neither.”

“What is it then?”
“It is very shiny.”

― C. JoyBell C.

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Nobody said it would be easy. They promised it would be worth it. It takes consistency and persistence. Do not just survive…THRIVE and make it real.

Ness

Be strong

8 Oct

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Be thankful for difficult times, because during that time you grow.

There’d be no good days, if there weren’t any bad ones. The sky wouldn’t be blue, if it were never black.

The end is uncertain and I’ve never been so afraid, but I don’t need a telescope to see that there’s a HOPE and that makes me feel brave.- tidal wave, owl city

Keep your chin up! Be strong

Ness

An unplanned mess

29 Sep

Love is a funny thing. you expect it to be easy. you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. you expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. you expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. you expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. but that’s the thing. love isn’t a plan. it doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. love happens; and it is so incredibly messy. people around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. they can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. it’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. we can’t breathe the same way or function quite right without it. 

Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. it’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. it isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or pretty things that make your relationship appear more presentable. it’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. it’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. we are human beings. we don’t handle one another, and we can’t be handled. we are mutable creatures that need something different everyday. need something more or less to keep us going, to keep us believing that it’s not all for nothing. so no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be all right. it’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are.

You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. you’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. do what you will. mash it into mince meat. or forget i ever handed it to you. as long as you have it. that’s the thing about love. it makes us crazy. it makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. it’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. and it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole. – taken from uncomfortable soul-

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-Ness-

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